Rhett Butler*
Once upon a time, a waitress called me “ma’am”. I was 16, maybe 17. A friend came to the rescue, telling the waitress that, “unless a woman is visibly over 35, she is not a ma’am.” It was funny.
It is not so funny for my colleague. Let’s call him Roger (’cause, well, that’s his name). Roger is a good old southern boy. He was raised in the dirrty, brought up on sweet tea and fried ocra. He has an accent so strong it can knock you down through the phone lines. Roger is now working in Los Angeles.
A few days ago, after Roger and I finished booking movies for my theatres, he said “thank you ma’am,” only he seemed to cut himself off before he could finish. After a slight pause, he asked me if I was offended when he called me ma’am. I told him he hadn’t really noticed. Apparently women in L.A. had noticed. They had noticed and had been extremely rude to him because of it. He has actually had not one, not two, but multiple waitresses yell at him in restaurants for calling them ma’am. He seemed pretty sad that so many women had been mean to him for something he thought was respectful
See, Roger was raised to say “sir” and “ma’am” when he is talking to people. For him, it is not an indication of age, it is a sign of respect.
Roger was raised that way because that is how it is done in the dirrty. Boys are taught to respect girls**. They open doors for girls***, they pull chairs out, they speak politely. In the south, they raise gentlemen. In the south, chivalry isn’t dead.
*I really hate to use Rhett Butler as an example here, because he was actually quite an ass, but a lot of people view him as the poster-boy for Southern Gentlemen (I suspect these people have neither read the book nor seen the movie).
**Just to make it clear: I know there are a ton of examples of men mistreating women in the south. There are a ton of instances of boys not respecting girls. I get this. But, I have also noticed a much higher percentage of boys/men doing the things I mentioned in the south than anywhere else I have been.
***Feminists: I know you can open doors for yourself. You are strong, powerful, independent women who don’t need a man to open your doors or pull out your chair. And guess what? Men know that too. They are not opening doors for you because they think you can’t do it; they are doing it because they respect you.
7 Comments
Perhaps it is because of my intimidating physical presence, but I was raised the same way, and I have yet to be scolded by a member of the opposite sex (though I have heard others claim the unfortunate experience). It is strange that so many women no longer recognize those simple tokens of respect. I wonder why that is? I can see part of that being echos of the old (but not entirely expired) perception among many males of females as the weaker sex, and hence those actions were condescending. Still I feel there is more to it than that. What is your opinion, being a woman? How have the lines between respect and condescension been blurred from a female viewpoint?
Good thoughts, friend. I will definitely answer your questions…I just need some time to really think about them. I smell another blog post brewing.
Well said indeed:) My friend Josh is from Texas, not the south south but close enough, and whenever I ask him for a favor he always responds “Yes ma’am.” At first I thought he was doing it just to be funny, or to accentuate our age difference, but it’s really just how his daddy raised him. At work when girls who are clearly younger ask for assistance it’s the same thing: Yes ma’am.
He’s also the only one in the store who walks every girl who leaves after dark to their cars. When asked why, he just says “It’s what a gentleman does.” I agree with you; it’s just a nice gesture in a world where rude is the norm.
Yay! I love hearing about someone being such a gentleman, especially when they are still so young. (also, some people do consider Texas part of the south–some only consider PART of Texas the south, but either way, Texas is close enough!)
i was lucky to find someone who was raised to be a gentleman as well – and in WYOMING! So, yanno, not all gentleman are in the south, but I seem to find more down there.
My husband is from Georgia and, though he lost most of his accent after he started traveling, his parents still say things I don’t understand and cook things that I can’t pronounce. He gets in trouble for the ma’am/sir thing as well. Most people think he’s being sarcastic, which he *almost* never is.
Somehow the ma’am worked its way into my vocabulary and when one of my three girls gets in trouble, they hear a stern, “No ma’am,” from their mom. I don’t know what kind of confusion this will cause later in their lives, but it will amusing, if nothing else.
Love this! I think Texas is definitely part of the South-South.
Although my accent is no longer deep Southern, I still say many things that make people pause, among them, when I say I’m “fixin’” to do something, or that I’m “heatin’ to death,” or “thirstin’ to death,” or think something is “messed up as a tomato soup sandwich.” Oh goodness, it’s endless. Something many of my non-Southern friends also point out as peculiar is that my siblings and I still refer to our mother as “Mama” even though two of us are grown.
My siblings and I were taught to call anyone we do not know well “ma’am” or “sir,” regardless of age, as a sign of respect. We live in a military area, so even though it’s the South, Southern traditions have been significantly diluted due to the number of people from other regions living here, so when my brother opens doors for women, he often gets surprised squeals of delight. I’ve heard so many women say, “Oh, you’re such a gentlemen!” over the years.
My husband is not from the South, but he’s lived here long enough to acquire many of the calling cards of the Southern gentleman, and is certainly a gentleman in his own right.
Alright! One more vote for Texas being true south.
I love “messed up as a tomato soup sandwich”. That is the only one I haven’t heard before–I will definitely have to used it, if only to see the reactions. My two step-brothers were raised in the South, and when one of them moved up here a lot of my friends thought it was weird that he calls his mom “Mama”. I don’t get how that is weird.